he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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