Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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