those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
