LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
