I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
