He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
