Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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