____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
