My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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