She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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