I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
