Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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