If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
