i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
