Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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