Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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