Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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