Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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