i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
