...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
