so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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