I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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