my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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