If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
