someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
