i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
