I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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