before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
