I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
