the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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