We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
