perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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