Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
