You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
