how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Damn victory sex feels great
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
