I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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