my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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