thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
