I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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