So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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