Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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