If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
