and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
