Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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