Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
