I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
