Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
