Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
