Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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