Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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